Here Not Here
The screen deflects. Huffing and sweating on the elliptical at the gym, I welcome my attention being diverted by either the news or some home improvement show that I watch, legs and arms pumping, with the sound off and subtitles on. I am here but trying not to be, intentionally positioned between effort and escape, wanting the later to somehow mitigate the former. Later at work, an abundance of responsibilities interrupt one another, vying to hold my focus for long enough for some progress to be made. My day isn't a single stream, but a conglomeration of interests. I don't need to pathologize it, only manage the jumps with enough acumen to ensure key objectives are eventually completed. I don't know if this behavior is an innate trait or a survival strategy. When one part of the body becomes fatigued while holding a yoga pose, I've learned to focus on another. I keep up with the daily news of national unravelings but also ignore it. On and off. Fully experiencing this time is crucial for ever rebounding from it. Despair is a constant possibility, an edge that I approach, negotiate but am careful not to cross and allow to consume me. It’s a delicate balance because the line isn’t always knowable in advance. A void can accumulate over time. Keep moving. From accounting to a client project, arms to legs, CNN to HGTV, being here to staring at the horizon, imaging different, perhaps better shores.
